be careful what you wish for

I'm listening to the Mac and packing up, kids. I haven't a clue where I'll be in 2007 but right now there are only two towns that are in contention in my heart and mind: Atlanta and Brooklyn. Both tug on my heartstrings. In the last three weeks or so, I've rediscovered a love for NYC. Who knew? I started realizing (with four words from Kate Moss) how much I'd miss this city.

I was writing her about this-or-that and how I don't know what I'd do without her or my mom here in the Great North, and she writes, without abandon...

"Then don't leave us!"

Jesus.

Like a shot through the heart.

Of course, I have SM and KB and Amber Bear and Caro in Georgia and Scarny (though I don't see him nearly enough) and AW here and a possible job at the CDC in ATL and my bro and new friends here and, fuck! They all mean the world to me, too. Where do I belong?

Hello? God? Are you there?

The co-worker shit is insane. We spend hours chatting and finishing each others' sentences and walking around midtown at lunch and laughing and drinking too much coffee during the workday. I tell him he needs to bathe more. He tells me I'm gorgeous. We talk about our parents' divorces and our favorite hot sauces and laugh at made-up names of unrealized Mapplethorpe works ("Winter Phallus (drenched in honey)", "Melancholy Vagina (labia on strike)"). It's shaping up to be one of the best relationships I've had in recent memory, except that we're not in one, nor will we ever be.

I'm pretty sure.

I don't know.

I go back and forth.

The other night, I was watching "60 Minutes" and it was all about Ed Bradley and all-of-a-sudden-out-of-nowhere, I just start bawling. BAWLING. Not because Ed Bradley is dead, though that saddens me, but because I hadn't shed a tear in what seemed like months and I needed to. Between up and leaving everyone here and not knowing what my future holds and this co-worker shit and on and on and on...

Oh, and the wine.

Yes, there was plenty of wine involved.

All I need is to acquire some cats and I'd be the quintessential Sad Single Woman In New York City.

...but the funny thing is, I'm not sad. I'm actually really, really happy right now. I feel great when I wake up. I love spending time with Kate Moss and the co-worker and my bro and I get excited about the prospect of spending a month of time with my mom.

It's January that scares me. I'm not sure what it brings.

The CDC called today and there's a very good possibility that I will be flown to ATL the week after Thanksgiving.

Once I set my heart on something, it tends to disintegrate.

Thanksgiving is upon us and I've finally hammered out the three dishes I'm bringing to the third annual potluck at Kate Moss' place: I'll be presenting a Curried Cranberry Couscous Salad, a Pear Upside-Down Gingerbread Cake, and a (look out!) Rum Cake -- all vegan! Applause all around, yes. I am thrilled that I'll be able to break bread with my brother, and Scarny, and Kate Moss, and KB, all at the same time.

I feel very lucky, indeed.

This is getting long and sappy.

I need more wine.