the man behind the curtain

First of all, next week I'm going out to dinner with family and must (gasp!) miss "LOST", so please y'all, no spoilers! The following week is the Season Three two-hour finale and I'll be drinking beer and eating cookies with KM's roommate and my other male BFFs while she's eating Isa's yummy vegan cooking.

That being said, beware reading ahead if you haven't seen tonight's episode and give a shit about the show. Slippery with serious spoilers! You have been warned.

I know that tonight's show will be Ben-centric and will give us some background on the Dharma Initiative and its history on the island. Should be amazing. Should pose a thousand more questions, I'm sure.

And we're off.

So, Ben was Roger Workman's son, I'm guessing? No coincidence that his father was named Roger, the same name as the decayed corpse in the "Little Miss Sunshine"-ripoff-decayed-corpse of an episode a few weeks back, "Tricia Tanaka Is Dead". Boy, that episode sucked.

Ben's mother dies after childbirth. Who is the couple who rescues them? Could it be the DeGroots? Did they raise Ben?

Jacob is referenced! Ben is Jacob. Or Locke is Jacob. Or Danielle.

Or Vincent. Woof.

Locke calls Ben "The Man Behind the Curtain" -- yet another "Oz" reference. (I mean, "The Wizard of Oz", of course -- though Eko and Michael were both on HBO's "Oz". Oh, and Ben once made a video for the Federal Department of Corrections or something. Does that department even exist? I'll dig that one up for you, gentle reader[s].)

Y'know, Little Ben looks like my little brother, Dylan. And Harry Potter.

This Horace dude who greets Ben & Roger? He reminds me of Robin Gibb. Or Maurice Gibb. Or someone. Either way, we now know that Ben was Dharma, his father was Roger Linus, and he was a "work man". And we know he's gonna die in a (probable) drunken bus crash on the island.

Annie becomes Ben's wife, I think. Right now she's eating a Hurley-favorite Apollo bar. Speaking of Apollo, he's a super-hot character on "Battlestar". Speaking of "Battlestar", I'm halfway through Season Two and though the last couple of episodes have been kinda sub-par, it's still seriously, seriously good... and still seriously recommended to you.

Okay, back to the show at hand: why does Jacob instill fear in and/or elicit awe from the Others? Jacob isn't real! Or Jacob is Ben. Or Vincent. Woof.

Man, Locke is seriously angry! He's ready to take out Patchy one way or the other, yeah? Interesting that nobody is coming to Patchy's rescue. I think the Others are seriously tired of Ben and his charade.

Alex is giving Locke a gun for his trip to see Jacob. What is going on? Does she want him to kill Ben? Why give him the gun in front of Ben?

Wow, my teacher never had a loaded shotgun in the room. They do things differently on this island, yeah?

Ben's dad was being paid by Dharma? $30,000? His mom was outside his window? I'm getting confused.

Oh, God, here's Kate. Tattle tale. She's so on my last nerve. And she's so pregnant, I betcha.

Wait, is Jacob a volcano? Or that big "Simpson"-like foot statue?

It's Ben's birthday and his future wife gives him dolls. Though they're big dolls, this reminds me a little of "To Kill a Mockingbird". Jem and Scout. The tree. Boo Radley. Okay, maybe not.

Roger says: "Kinda hard to celebrate on the day you killed your Mom." Jesus, Workman, you're a dick. Ben runs to the woods, sees his dead mother. Psychotic break? Or island majik? Take us to Jacob!

Ash. Volcanic ash?

Back on the beach: "Turn the tape over and press play..."

Ben is comin' for the ladies. We knew this. This is what Jack and Juliet wanted to tell Kate? Just tell us that she's pregnant so that I can be right about something! Yes, Jack, start talking.

Harry Potter is going through the fence to find his mama. He sees... holy shit. Richard? Is that Richard? He's the same age as he is now? Okay, MIND FUCK. What is going on?! So, Richard is a native. He doesn't age. Is this why Hurley isn't getting skinnier? Is time standing still? How did Ben age, then? Okay, MIND FUCK.

They're at Jacob's residence and wait! I'm guessing Jacob is Richard! Please, writers, tell us something. Give us some crumbs!

"Are you sure this is what you want?" YES! Jesus. Give us answers.

There is nobody there.

Ben is ca-razy. Ben is psychotic. All of a sudden, we're watching "Psycho" and Ben is a regular Norman Bates.

Oh, God. Wait.

"Help me."

Oh, fuck. What is happening?! Holy shit. I need to look at screen caps of that shit tomorrow. "That was Jacob." We still have 14 minutes..!

Now, Ben is in the bus with Daddy and the crash is imminent, I'm sure. Did he cause the crash? Does Ben feel guilty for the deaths of both his parents? Or wait, will he kill his father? Everyone's got Daddy issues on this damn island.

Gas mask. There he goes. Little bug-eyes killed his father! I didn't think Ben had it in him. I thought he had others do the dirty work for him.

OH MY GOD.

He killed everyone.

Are you serious? He killed all of Dharma. This was The Purge? This is giving me the fucking creeps. This is so fucking Jonestown.

Oh, who are the others with gas masks on? The natives? The Others. Richard.

Oh no.

Oh no.

Ben shot Locke. Ben shot Locke. No, Locke can't die. There's no way.

There's no way.